Conscious Uncoupling: Kitchen Edition

It is with a heart full of sadness that I have decided to separate. I have come to the conclusion that while I love Gwyneth, we have grown apart. Much like Chris Martin, I have moved on to a hot new piece – no, not J-Law, but Paleo Pete Evans.

I will be trading lentil meatballs for maca balls. Giving up agave.  My kitchen will be cultured. No, I'm not hanging fine art. It’s all about fermenting and no, I’m not talking about my ovaries. 

Sauerkraut and kimchi in da house! But we will always share a love of kale chips.

It all started with activated nuts. They made fun of My Pete, but I knew he was a visionary. Activating nuts just means soaking them so they’re easier to digest. They mocked you, Pete, but I knew you were ahead of your time. And now the “sheeple” have finally seen the light. Funny that.

But Gwyneth and I do share a lot of history. I’ve loved her since I watched Emma and thought she was British (um, hello, that’s even pre-Brad Pitt).  I will continue to read Goop and covet $2500 Michael Kors capes and face serums made from goat sperm.  

Don’t worry, homegirl, like your latest cookbook, It’s All Good between us. And I totally get why you’re boinking that nerdy guy from Glee. Writers are hot.