Oscar Post-Mortem: The Five Highlights and Lowlights

Is it me or do the Academy Awards get a little more "meh" each year? Somehow I was able to eek out a few memorable (mostly cringe-worthy) moments from this epically long broadcast, so let's cut to the chase:

1) Adele Dazeem: I think we can all agree that John Travolta provided the best nugget of gold last night by introducing Idina Menzel as "Adele Dazeem." Huh? I have three issues with this. First of all, did he not go to the rehearsal? Apparently not. Second of all -  you have ONE thing to do at the Oscars and you don't double-check the name of the person you're introducing? And thirdly, I'm questioning all of the gay rumours. What gay man doesn't know Elphaba from Wicked??

2) Jocelyn Wildenstein Kim Novak: I actually thought she'd had a stroke or something and I was Googling her like the rest of the planet to see what the hell was going on. It turns out she's 81 and bi-polar, blah, blah, blah. [Insert your own "Frozen" plastic surgery joke here]. But the bottom line is she did a better job presenting than Travolta.

3) Speeches: The winners were completely predictable but there were a few lovely speeches - Lupita Nyong'o, Jordan Catalan'o, Matthew McConaughey's crazy Southern Baptist sermon and Our Cate. Did anyone else think she dissed Sandy Bullock? What was that, "I could watch you til the end of time in Gravity...and I felt like I did." I felt the same way. Sandy laughed and looked kind of shocked. But Our Cate is the Oscar Golden Girl and people would rather be pissed off with Ellen for the one slightly edgy joke she told about Liza Minnelli being a dude impersonating Liza Minnelli.

4) Script Fight! John Ridley won for Best Adapted Screenplay for 12 Years a Slave and refused to thank director Steve McQueen, who was also part of the process, but was refused a screenwriting credit. Apparently things got so bad Brad Pitt, who is a producer on the film, was called in to mediate. The Real Housewives of the Writers' Guild of America!

5) Happy: Even my cold, cynical lump of coal for a heart beat a little faster and my toes were tapping  when Pharrell was singing Happy.

And now for the worst part of the evening...

1) Ellen: The goddess of menopausal soccer moms the world over. Ellen's...nice. For a comedian she's just not funny. And you need to be funny to host the Oscars. And she had a TEAM of writers! Her jokes were just lame. I like Billy Crystal's movie mash-up opening number - it's usually hilarious. A little edge would be nice. Not Seth Macfarlane's "We Saw Your Boobs" but something, ANYTHING. Just call Tina and Amy already.

2) Bette Midler: Seriously? Maybe if she sang Wind Beneath My Wings DURING the dead people segment but after we just sat through the montage listening to the Somewhere in Time theme? Stop it.

3) Soooo Predictable: Is it too much to ask for just ONE upset to screw up everyone's office Oscar pool?

4) I have the sh*ts with Channel Nine - Part One: No red carpet. I don't get the E! channel, so I have no glam cam, no Fashion Police and no red carpet round-up. And that's all that anyone really cares about. I swear they normally have a little pre-show before the telecast. What is Richard Wilkin's getting paid for??

5) I have the sh*ts with Channel Nine - Part Two: The ceremony is re-broadcast at 10:00pm. Which means it finishes around 2am-ish. On a school night. Thank God I taped it during the live broadcast earlier in the afternoon and fast-forwarded through most of it. I have a theory that Australian television schedulers are on crack.

Rant over. What did you think were the hits and misses this year? Until next year mah chickipeas.

Real Housewives of Melbourne Review

The Real Housefraus of Melboring had their debut last night and I have to say they did not disappoint. My biggest fear about the Aussie version of the franchise was that they would be too self-conscious and not put themselves out there. Everyone would be on their best behaviour and it would all be a bit boring. But my fears were soon put to rest - these beyotches are anything but boring.

DISCLAIMER: I have to say the snarkiness that comes with a review of a show like this feels a bit raw at the moment after the death of Charlotte Dawson. It's all in good fun and just a bit of a laugh. With that said, let's meet our contestants!

Lydia: This Catherine Zeta Jones/Carlton from RHOBH cross was the first cab off the rank. She seems to be having the most sex out of anyone in the group, which as it turns out, she is contractually obliged to do. She has a "conjugal rights contract" with her husband which guarantees him nookie. So what does she get?? A Porsche Carrerra, snow house in Thredbo, exotic holidays and her own plane. She must be really good at conjugating. And here I thought conjugating that was just for verbs.

Gina: This self-confessed "ultimate drag queen" scares me. You would not want to meet her in a dark alley. She's ballsy (perhaps literally, I think she may actually be a dude) and built like a linebacker. I've heard she's actually really pretty in person. I'd love to see her without the back-combed hair, gaudy eyeliner and too tight dresses. Definitely one of the stars of the show.

Andrea: The plastic surgery princess who "lives in Toorak, shops in Toorak and works in Toorak." Ok, we get it, you're in the Toorak bubble. Probably my least favourite Housefrau. A bit meh.

Janet: The property developer who never washes her own hair. (Hey, if I had money I would pay a pack of gays to wash my hair and fawn over me, too). She's the one I would most want to hang out with and drink some Veuve. A girl's girl who is back on the dating scene after her geriatric love rat husband got hopped-up on Viagra and cheated on her. Bless.

Jackie: How much time have you got? Jackie is married to Silverchair's Ben Gillies, which you will learn within two seconds of meeting her. So, of course I've heard of Silverchair, but couldn't tell you a single song that they sing. To me Silverchair is "the band with Daniel Johns, the dude who was married to Natalie Imbruglia." And as far as Ben looking like Johnny Effing Depp, erm, maybe if I didn't have my contacts in and saw him across the room. Jackie is a psychic complete with crystals, angel cards, "automatic writing" and channelling. And I have to say for the record, I'm totally into all of that stuff. What can I say - I'm a woo woo girl. Jackie and Gina are the best part of the show.

Chyka: For some reason I really want to call her Chikungunya, that disease you get from mosquitoes when you go to Bali. I have to say I was a bit confused by her relationship. Her hubby is HOT. I definitely get a Hugh Jackman/Deborra-Lee Furness vibe from these two. They've been together for 23 years and have two spawn. Whatever their deal is, it seems to be working.

SO, those are the lay-deez in a nutshell. Can't wait to tune in next week for Jackie and Gina's "Angels and Demons" showdown.